It's time to confess…

I want you to imagine we’re sitting across from each other, holding your hands as I look into your eyes and share all that I’m about to share. Speaking from a place of experience, love, care, and concern, my heart longs to meet you right where you’re at as you navigate this next step in your life.

The step of confession.

All of it.

Each bit.

The bad, the awful, the down-right foul.

It’s time to let go of all that you’ve been holding on to, all that’s been weighing you down, all that’s taken from who you’re meant to be.

It’s time to be free love.

If your heart is pounding and your stomach is in knots, that’s ok. It’s not the universe telling you that this is a bad idea, it is the freedom beginning to rise inside of you. It’s the dead bones crying out to live again.

So how do we do that? I’m so glad you asked.

There will never be a right time, but there are practical steps you can take to make sure things are the least traumatic for yourself, your spouse, and your family. So, let’s dive down that journey, together. But before we do know this, I am no way suggesting, directing, or counseling you to take these steps below if they put you in harm’s way. If you believe physical harm may be a direct result of confession, please seek professional guidance on how to move forward.

Chose a wise time. When the kids are in bed, away, or if it’s just you two, make sure you have the capacity for a long discussion. This will not take 15 minutes. This may last hours. You need to be prepared to have zero interruptions as you are about to change someone’s entire world.

Chose a safe place. Trauma and adrenaline can make people act in ways you never may have expected. While you can’t control the other person, you want to set both of you up to win (if that’s even a thing in this situation). A room with 37 knives and family heirlooms may not be the best place to share what may be the most devastating news you have to share to your partner. If you have kids, try to send them to a safe place for the night. If the kids are home, chose a room farthest from them so that if voices escalate, they will not hear. Your role as a spouse is to confess with full transparency, however, your role as a parent is to shield and protect your children – even if that’s from yourself.

Be prepared to answer with the WHOLE truth, and nothing but the truth. There is a phrase common to affair disclosure that’s called “trickling of truth” which means that’s over time, you share bits and pieces of truth instead of just being all up front about it. Trickling the truth is far more traumatic and confusing than just being completely honest. If you have any hope of wanting to reconcile, sharing in complete transparency and humility will be the wisest decision you can make.

Have a de-escalation plan. Not an exit plan. You’re committed and need to see this through. A de-escalation plan can be thought of as “what can we do when you may need to pause the conversation because it is taking a turn for the worse”. Because you cannot control how people behave, and hopefully have never been in this position before, you have no idea how someone may respond, and need to be equipped if things get out of hand. Hear me, this will not be easy. They may say things they do not mean because they are deeply grieving. But also hear me, just because you did something so violating to your covenant, in no means, do you deserve any type of abuse because of your behavior. Abuse is not and will never be ok in any circumstance. If your partner begins to exhibit behaviors that are concerning to you, you need to be able to table the conversation to allow them to self-regulate. If they need a walk outside, time away, a glass of water, anything to help slow the emotional and physical chaos brewing within them, support that decision. While you may want to solve the problem, you must understand that you created the problem (at least in regard to the affair; not all the problems in their world or even in your marriage), and may not be the immediate solution they want or need in that moment. Before you begin the confession, it would be wise to share that it is going to be a heavy conversation and you welcome any “time-outs” should they need it so that you can work together through this in each phase. If there is someone close by that your family trusts, consider sharing with them that you are having a difficult conversation with your spouse at the designated time. Ask if they could be on standby should you need someone to help with the kids, or just to check in should you be concerned about the behaviors of your spouse. They do not need to know the details of the discussion.

Be prepared for them to leave. That’s tough to swallow. I know. It was hard for me to watch as my husband grabbed his keys and packed his bags, but it was what he needed to process and begin his own journey of healing from the tragedy I bestowed upon him. While not every person will find the need to do so, many spouses will find themselves creating physical space for a time being after hearing all that has happened. Maybe it’ll look like going to a friend’s house, maybe it’ll look like them sleeping on the couch; either way, the separation from the bedroom may occur and as painful as it’ll be to watch, know that it is a common occurrence. If this happens, breathe. Allow them the space and use it wisely to pray for your spouse, your marriage, and your family.

Pray. Literally from the moment you read these words until the moment you begin the confession, pray. Everything you know as normal has the capacity to change and the last thing you need is to do this in your own way, your own strength, and with your own thoughts. Those ways of living got you here, and it’s time to do something different. Pray and put your faith in the only one who will never let you down – King Jesus. The one who sees all and knows all. He is the only one who can get you through this.

6 things. It’s all you need.

Safe place.

Wise time.

Whole truth.

Safety plan.

Realistic expectations.

Jesus.

At least, that’s what got me to through my confession. How exactly did that play out? Get some popcorn…

Like I shared earlier, the physical affair had stopped prior to my confession. However, we were still in contact leading up to the day of confession. That weekend he shared he loved me, even if he couldn’t have me in this season of life, and then we began to fight and decided to not speak anymore.

Let me stop for a second and share that if you are still actively engaged in your affair, you must stop it completely. If you are in any way hoping to heal your spouse and receive the freedom you are searching for, you must cut all ties with your affair partner. End the relationship. Sever the ties. Completely no contact. None. It is not enough to just end the physical aspect, you must stop the emotional aspect as well. I know that isn’t easy, but I promise you, in the long run, it will serve you better.

That morning I went to church, heard the messaged that shook me to my core, and began to prepare myself to flip my world upside down. We spent the afternoon as a family laughing, eating, and soaking in the summer day. I still can close my eyes and feel the warmth of that afternoon; it truly was a God-given day. But because I knew what was to come, I left the home for about an hour to pray, cry, and call my best friend to share what I was about to share. As I shattered her world, I selfishly asked for prayer to follow through with what I knew I was supposed to do. When I went back home, my inner core was shaking. While my soul was at peace, my body was in turmoil.

The boys were in bed.

He had poured glasses of wine.

And I asked if we could sit outside to talk about something that’s been on my heart.

As we sat outside I began to share all that I was carrying.

The “who”

The “when”

The “how”

The “why”

And the devastating news that I very much loved my affair partner, and not, my husband.

It was raw. It was painful. It was hell on earth.

He began to ask all the questions you can imagine.

He began to say all the things that I’d never heard him say.

 He was hurting.

He was broken.

And the only one to blame was me.

Two friends came to the conversation and as I began to shatter their worlds with all that was true, my husband began to pack his bags to leave for the next few days. And as he left, I remained outside.

Weeping.

Shaking.

Worrying.

Worried about where he was going. Worried if he was going to bust down the door of my affair partner. Worried if he was going to tell his family. Worried if he was going to post / call / text any and every one he could to tell them what happened. Worried about all the things I worried about during the entire affair. Except now they weren’t thoughts. They had every real possibility of happening.

That evening while he checked himself into a hotel, I stayed awake preparing to tell my community all that was bound to come out. Because my affair partner was who he was, I didn’t trust him to be honest, and wanted to share for myself what had happened with those worthy of the weighty conversation (we’ll get to the figuring out who is worthy of knowing your story later).

So I called my pastors, my close friends, my mentors and my chosen family.

Confessing the same story to them all:

 I’ve been lying to you over the course of several years. I fell in love with someone who was not my husband. I deeply love him. I chose to conceal our affair because I was terrified of shattering my husband and my world as I knew it. I was selfish. I was a coward. I was everything I never hoped to be. And I most importantly, I was deeply sorry for hurting them.

As each voice cracked in response to all that I shared, my heart became even more shattered than before. It was a breaking after breaking. But it was what I knew I had to endure to be set free. I answered every question, took every response, and continued to fight for the freedom I so desperately longed to have.

When my affair partner found out I had confessed, he too began his own version of confession. His last words to me were filled with hate and disgust as he connected my confession to an inability to truly love him. It may have been in that moment where I truly began to understand that his love for me wasn’t as real as I thought it to be. His love for me was based on my ability to conceal his character and his image no matter what came against me. He love for me was counterfeit, and that realization began to shatter me more than anything I could truly have understood. Everything I sought to protect in the name of “love”, was really just a one-way street. I was fooled beyond belief. But that story is for another time.

In the days and months that followed my confession, nearly every person in my life chose to walk away. Every Pastor, every ministry partner, every date night couple, every work out buddy.

Gone.

My phone was filled with messages of hate, ill-wishes communicating death, and most of all, words from deeply broken hearts. Within days my number was changed, I went off the grid, and unless you were in my life for the very messy ride, you could not find me.

The first few months following my confession were dark. Feelings of death and wanting to die were so prevalent that calls to the suicide hotline were occurring daily. I was a shell of myself. Only functioning when the kids were around and crashing the moment they weren’t. It is only by the power of God I survived that season.

Not long after my confession, I began a 4-month program for unfaithful spouses to get to the route of my affair. I learned more about myself in that course than I ever knew before. I uncovered the pains of my past that gave context to the holes I felt so deep within my heart. I learned about patterns within me that gave me a greater probability of stepping out and learned ways to see when those patterns were creeping up in me again. Paired with individual counseling on how to handle the deep pain from not only losing “the love of my life” but also everyone else in my life that I cherished deeply, I started to see clearly for what felt like the first time in half a decade.

I could see myself and the broken parts of me that led to the craziest of decisions.

The wounded child that chose wrong people to fill what only Jesus could heal.

The woman that I was and the one that I so desperately wanted to be.

I began to see the real me.

The whole me.

The healed me.

Throughout our healing journey we also engaged in marriage counseling to fix the broken things within us. The ones that resulted from the affair and the ones that were present before the affair. We sifted through every thought, every behavior, and every pattern to find the root of where it all stemmed from. We pulled every weed and replaced it with seeds of truth. We looked in the places that have been so covered by shame and pain and met it with the love and grace of Jesus. We dedicated ourselves to uncovering all that was broken and all that needed to be healed.

It was, and still is, the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

It was everything I imagined it would be, and more.

It was terrifying, and yet, somehow it was freeing.

Confession, paired with deep accountability and inner self work, will be the best thing you can ever do for yourself, your family, and your legacy. Despite everything that led you to this very moment, know that you are worthy of the freedom that is waiting for you on the other side of this moment.

It won’t be easy.

It won’t be quick.

But know this, you can do this darling.

You will be free.